Something has been on my mind and I can't decide if it is made worse because I have been sick or just an emotional time.
With all the joy of baby Isabel being born, it made me worried that my girls feel lost because there is no record of their beginnings, not their births, and very little, other than a date, as to when they were left, abandoned, but not a term I like to use.
I tried to imagine what it would be like if I did not know anything about my early years, and it is impossible. There is no way you can put yourself in their shoes and know what it feels like to have your life begin that way.
There is a local newspaper column that always asks their interviewee if they could travel back to any time or place where would they go. Most pick historical points. I would pick the time right before the birth of both my daughters. I would give anything to be able to provide for them any kind of insight as to what was happening in the birth mother's life, what forced her to give them up.
I've read a few books where the adopted child was able to reconnect with their birth family, and the circumstances surrounding the decision to allow their child to be adopted is more varied than I expected. Some families had too many children. Some were not married. Some had no money. Others because the child was sick, the parents made the difficult decision to leave their child where they hoped it would be found and the medical help provided.
Annabel has been exceptionally quiet this week. She complained one night about some fairly minor problems, which spurred her to tears. Completely out of character for her.
I finally asked them if it bothered them.
Grace immediately answered no. She just doesn't think about it. This is the same child who when asked how she handled being "chewed" out by someone, told me she just ignores it.
Annabel never answered me.
We were going to a program for adoptive families. All the parents sat around and discussed all the problems their children were having. I couldn't relate to any of it. We don't seem to be having those problems. There is no bitterness, no secretiveness, no defiance, none of what others described. I can embarrass them, but I can embarrass almost anyone!
The moderator told me my girls just haven't gone through their grief yet.
How depressing is that?
I'm guessing if you have a 12 and 13 year old, there will quickly come a time that I will become an idiot, based on how most teenage girls become. But what happens if they suddenly decide to deal with their "grief" at the same time?
I'm truly not trying to borrow worries, but I feel for my girls. I mean mourning is not something I actively do for their loss but want to be fully prepared and not sure if I can be. It's no good to just sit around waiting on something I know. Like I said, it has been complicated and emotional.
I'm just ready to feel better so I can be there ready. I am so sick of being sick!